Well, I got my final bit of pontificating out of the way yesterday, and in a bid to end the countdown on a slightly happier note, I’ve decided to relive a more pleasant bit of recent history. (As if the failed ’94 qualifying campaign wasn’t a great big barrel o’laughs). Let’s head back to the heady days of 2018, to the Otkritie Arena, Moscow, to the 2nd round, to Columbia vs England.

I was on holiday for this, but thanks to my lovely wife giving me the night off, I was able to head down to the pub/club/whatever the thingy is with the booze and the projector, with my brother, and enjoy the full spectacle. The great news is, Dele Alli is fit again. That midfield seems almost unfathomable with 2022 eyes, yet it must have been doing something right to get us as far as we did.

I remember this being engrossing and enthralling, but unfortunately we’ve got Peter Drury on commentary, which makes me want to switch off immediately. Yes I know everybody loves him, despite him being a total shitarse, don’t @ me.

It’s a fairly cagey opening few minutes, but Alli plays a good ball down the left channel for Sterling, who wins a free kick off Mina for handball. Young whips it in and Ospina punches clear. It’s recycled to Trippier, who plays an excellent cross in from the right, but it’s headed behind by Mina for a corner. I always remember Ospina as being a full on chocolate-wristed keeper for Arsenal, but he’s done alright here, and claims the subsequent corner very well.

Kane is bundled over in the first installment of his evening’s entertainment. Trippier tries to sneak Sterling in from the resulting free kick, and he wins a corner. It’s defended easily and Columbia break very quickly, but England are able to hold up Quintero and they regroup.

When the weight of a nation’s expectations isn’t enough, why not try a little Columbian Defender?

Ahh, I’d forgotten about this beaut:

Trippier plays in Lingard down the right channel. Lingard holds it up, Trippier overlaps and Lingard plays him in, and he puts in a deep cross for Kane, who heads just over from a tight angle.

Pickford looks about 12 here. Lingard, who’s looked sharp, plays in Sterling, who completely fluffs it and gets pushed over for his trouble. We’re midway through the first half, and the early freneticism has died off somewhat; England are now in “Game management as a tactic” mode and definitely aren’t overcommitting in their build up play. England have a corner. Every attacking set piece gets delayed by the ref because of shoving. Nothing comes from it. Trippier fouls Falcao, and they exchange rather heated pleasantries. Maguire and Cuadrado become well acquianted by the corner flag. It’s getting a bit snippy.

Sterling can’t get in the game at all, then he finally does some good link up play and Kane wins England a free kick on the edge of the box. The wall for this is basically a ruck of both teams, and Hendo gets a nice headbutt on the chin for his troubles:

Maguire calls for the third umpire:

And the result is…a yellow card for Barrios. Perhaps when you headbutt from underneath, it’s less bad? Anyway, after about 10 years, Trippier finally takes the free kick:

Good effort, Ospina looks like he had it covered but you never really know with that guy. Columbia keep having nibbles, first at Alli, then Sterling. Kane shoots rather tamely wide from 25 yards. Quintero hits an awkward, bobbling shot in front of Pickford but he gathers well. A cross is headed clear, it comes to Lingard who can’t get over it and blazes it over. There’s a replay of Alli getting one in the nuts:

And that’s about it for the first half. Pretty cagey, whilst being pretty spiky at the same time. Not a great half of football, all told.

Drury attempts to tempt fate by mentioning the 0-0 from 1995 and Higuita’s scorpion kick save. Trippier miscontrols and there’s an audible cry of “Fuck off!” to himself. Arias is booked for elbowing Kane in the back when they go up for a header. Pretty cagey in the 2nd with 52 minutes on the clock. The free kick from the elbow on Kane is beautifully delivered by Ashley young, but headed clear for a corner.

There’s more shenanigans as Trippier delivers the corner, and Sanchez’s manhandling of Kane is enough for the ref to give a penalty.

Can’t really argue with that, he’s fully rodgering him by the end there. The Columbians are absolutely beside themselves, remonstrating with the ref and things get a bit tasty again, with Hendo getting booked for a reverse head-graze. Over 4 minutes have passed since the decision before Kane steps up…

That’s the way. I wouldn’t call it a deserved lead as there’s been so few chances, but at least the game has to open up now, surely.

Stones drags his foot over Falcao’s head, who sells it like death. Free kick but nothing else. This is not easy on the eye at all. Kane gets some more attention and wins another free kick. This is what I remember, just Kane getting fouled relentlessly. A comically bad dive from Maguire leads to Trippier crossing to the back post and Dele Alli heads over. Decent chance, that. The Columbians are going mental over Maguire’s dive and there’s more ref-haranguing.

England are trying to manage the game out and are starting to see a lot of the ball. Some patient build up sees Lingard into the left hand side of the box, where if he can just square it, Kane has a tap in, but his attempted pass is blocked by Sanchez. Maguire gets his head on the resulting corner, but it floats tamely onto the roof of the net. Kane gets another knock on the back of his knees for another free kick. Apart from Kane getting bashed around, it seems to have calmed down a bit. 15 minutes left.

England have suddenly dropped 10 or 15 yards deeper and it’s invited the Columbians on. Could be a conscious decision because England win it back and break so quickly with Sterling, who plays Lingard in, who goes down looking for a penalty.

Mmmm…no. Kane wins another free kick. Dele Alli is conveniently somewhere near the corner flag as his number comes up to be subbed for Eric Dier, and meanders his way to the other side of the pitch, occasionally breaking into a trot, taking forever. Walker is caught in possession and it’s 3 on 3. It comes to Cuadrado just inside the corner of the box, who blazes over. Big let off.

Lingard’s away down the right wing, but with Sterling waiting in the box, he takes a very heavy touch and the chance is gone. Kane fouled again. Columbia have a couple of good crosses delivered by Cuadrado and Mojica, but aren’t able to make anything of them. Less than 5 minutes left. The ref gets in Maguire’s way. Falcao hits a pea roller at Pickford from 20 yards. Sterling is replaced by Vardy, presumably because the game hasn’t been tetchy enough for the last 20 minutes and Southgate’s trying to rile it up. Kane fouled again. Mina blatantly shoves Kane from the resulting free kick, but it was so obvious, the ref just let it go. I think that’s how it works. 5 minutes of stoppage time.

Hendo buys a free kick and milks is it as long as possible. Uribe hits a pelter from 30 yards and Pickford’s forced into his first real save of the evening in the 92nd minute. Ospina’s up for the corner. He’s lurking nearby as it’s swung in, but Mina rises highest, heading it down into the ground and bouncing it up over Trippier on the post and in. England had killed this game stone dead but couldn’t drag it across the line. That equaliser really hadn’t been coming at all. Sigh.

After the restart, they show Mina moving a bit gingerly and rubbing his cock. Must have been a good celebration. I’m not GIF’ing that one, you can imagine it if you like. And that’s it…now for Extra Time.

My memories of this extra time are a bit hazy, as the lager level was quite high at this point. I have a vague impression that we were under the kosh and looked very tired. Let’s see if I’m right.

Columbia get in pretty easily down their left flank, but Bacca can’t quite reach the low cross. England aren’t really pressing anymore, which is understandable. Maguire is distracted by some multi-ball action, and the ball ends up in Pickford’s net, fortunately about 10 seconds after the ref had pulled it back. England are still very deep and Columbia now have licence to stroke it around at their leisure, much like England in normal time. Walker jumps for a challenge in England’s box with one arm raised high in the air, which feels like it’s asking for trouble, but it’s just a corner and nothing comes from it. Young is replaced by Danny Rose.

England can’t seem to do anything right once they get into Columbia’s half and they keep ceding possession. Falcao heads a decent chance wide. Stones kicks it straight off the pitch under no pressure and then blames Rose for being out of position. You know it doesn’t hurt to look first, mate. Half time in extra time.

England create a chance almost straight from the kick off, and it falls perfectly for Vardy on his left foot, but he fires straight at Ospina from about 14 yards. Argh! But it was offside anyway. Stones kicks it out for no reason again. Well, he’s tired I suppose. Lingard plays in Vardy but he’s closed down quickly and his shot is blocked. Walker, suffering from cramp, can’t decide if he wants to go down or not, resulting in a bit of a post-modern dance routine:

England have suddenly got a bit of spring in their step and it’s Columbia’s turn to sit deep while England push and probe. Hendo plays in Rose after some good possession and he flashes a shot just wide. Rashford comes on for Walker. 7 minutes left. Vardy gets in down the right channel, but Lingard can’t get enough on his cross, but it’s a corner. Trippier’s ball in is on a plate for Dier but he heads over. Golden chance.

Kane’s playing ostensibly as a 10 and England have looked much more threatening in this second period. 3 minutes left. Cuadrado is booked for sliding in on Rose, who was looking for it slightly. There’s a replay of Maguire clubbing Ospina across the chest, to which Drury hastily notes that he “meant nothing by that”. Yeah of course not. And that is finally that. A bitty, narky affair that was high on aggro and extremely low on quality. To penalties.

Falcao’s up first. Straight down the middle. England have the twin disadvantage of going 2nd and the penalties being taken at the Columbian fans end. Kane is first for England. Bottom left corner, struck very hard and true. 1-1. Cuadrado next. Top left corner. Exceptional. Rashford for England. Bottom left corner, struck perfectly. 2-2. Muriel next for Columbia. Rolls it gently into the bottom right corner, cool as you like. Here comes Hendo. He goes for the bottom right corner but Ospina’s across in a flash and it’s a fantastic save. 3-2 Columbia, 2 each remaining. Uribe to put Columbia on the cusp. But he smashes it agains the bar! Pickford puffs out his cheeks. Trippier with the chance to level it. Rifled into the top left corner. Great pen. 3-3 with 1 each left on the slate. Bacca with Columbia’s 5th. He goes left, but it’s not very far in the corner and Pickford sticks out his left arm to parry it away. Advantage England! Dier with the chance to send England through. And he’s done it! He’s fucking done it! Ospina got his hand on it but couldn’t keep it out. Is now a good time to go back and mention the chocolate wrists thing again? Get in there!

I was hoping to end the countdown on a more positive note, and even though England eventually prevailed, it was one of the most attritional games I can ever remember seeing. No wonder Kane was fucked for the rest of the tournament, he got absolutely battered around here. Ahh, well. It’s been fun. Remind me not to sit through the full 120+ minutes of this one again, Jesus Christ. I should have left the hazy, drunken memories alone.

Today’s feeling: England become the first team to go out of the group stage on penalties.

I’ve tried quite hard to be enthused about the world cup, but with less than 48 hours to go, I’m sad to say it’s still not quite happening for me. Maybe once the piping-hot contents of Qatar vs Ecuador are ingested into my football stomach on Sunday afternoon, all reservations will be lost amidst a cavalcade of out-of-season tournament football delight.

It seems unlikely though. For all the obvious reasons. 6,500+ dead migrant workers during the construction process? Check. Dreadful human rights record? Check. Appalling LGBTQ+ rights record? Check. The whole idea of having a World Cup in the desert at the wrong time of year? Check.

And yet here we are, on the cusp of it all. I’ll probably watch as much as I can, with whatever time I can scrape between work, commuting and kids. Will I feel bad about it? Yes. Am I a massive hypocrite to talk about things like dead migrants & human rights, whilst being a mostly tacit enabler of the corruption that’s brought it all about? Yes.

It’s my hope that the footballers will be able to protest some of these things, and in such a way that the TV cameras cannot avoid. I don’t know who the matchday TV directors are going to be or where they’ll be from, but I’m almost certain they will be under strict orders to cut away from images that might upset the ruling class of the host nation.

This may be the most sportswashingy international tournament we’ve seen, but unlike the rebel cricket tours of apartheid South Africa in the 80’s, the players taking part aren’t willingly taking dirty money in full knowledge that years of their international careers are going to be pissed away. Some players have consciences, and I hope those that do are able to use their platform to make some kind of statement to push for change, to push for human rights and workers rights and LGBTQ+ rights. A message in support of those things not only for those who have suffered and died, and continue to suffer because of in Qatar, but for the whole world to see: that not only tolerance, but acceptance and celebration of them is a good thing and something worth striving for.

Today’s feeling: Sad, guilty and out in the groups.

Today, we look through all of England legend Frank Lampard’s goals at the World Cup.

It’s insane what a pivotal moment this was, because we’d been absolute shit in this game if memory serves correctly. Let’s have a little dig, then.

Still having nightmares about David James’s performance against France in Euro 2004, and yet here he is again. Yes, I remember Scott Carson. How many more nightmares do you want me to relive? Nothing against Matt Upson, but it’s weird to see him starting in a World Cup. I’m sure he felt the same way. Nice to see Capello’s answer to the Gerrard & Lampard question is just to put Barry in between and hope for the best. Fucking joke. Defoe and Rooney up front also seems like someone’s just been pissing about with the team sheet and they accidentally ended up as the first choice pairing.

A simple ball over the top sees up and coming youngster Meszut Ozil get in behind, but he’s denied by James’s legs. Early warning signs.

Ashley Cole goes in hard on Thomas Muller. Just about gets the ball first but it’s a real doozy.

Lots of German pressure. Khedira blasts one miles over the bar from 30 yards. He then double teams Lampard with Schweinsteiger to concede a free kick in a promising position for England, and there’s a slow motion replay of him saying “Big boy, ref”. The resulting free kick is not included in the highlights package, presumably because it was too amazing and probably a goal.

The first goal is ludicrous. Spookily reminiscent of the 2nd Dutch goal that did for Graham Taylor in 1993, it’s just the most routine long ball you’ve ever seen that somehow isn’t dealt with. Upson tries manfully to bring him down and get himself sent off, whilst David James backpedals away from ball that he surely could have got to first if he hadn’t just ran away. By the time he eventually tiptoes forward to narrow the angle, Klose’s away from Upson and it’s a simple tap in. Absolute farce.

Rooney trundles in from the left wing and smashes one into the Northern Hemisphere. Klose gets in again but James saves with his legs once more. Defoe heads against the bar but is ruled offside anyway. Germany play about 2 one-touch passes and they’re in again, England are all over the place and can’t live with them. Muller looks like he’s through, but he plays it awkwardly wide for Podolski, who has about 3 years to control it and set himself, and then fires it home from a tight angle. Amateur hour from England. Terrible.

Milner drills in a low cross, which finds Lampard, whose poked effort is saved by Neuer. Barry and Upson are left for dead by Klose in the 6 yard box, whose drag back leaves him with a great chance for 3-0, but Gerrard steams in for the block. England take a corner short and it’s played to Gerrard on the corner of the box. He swings it in and Upson rises to head home. Despite looking like utter cretins for the entire match, England are back in it.

Buoyed by their throroughly undeserved goal, England have the feels. Defoe receives it on the edge of the box, but is tackled. The ball comes to Lampard who brings it down, and hits a perfectly executed lob over Neuer that hits the bar, crosses the line and spins back out again. No goal given.

And that, my friends, is why we have VAR. So next time you want to have a whinge about it, blame Frank Lampard. They show a replay of Capello sort of matter-of-factly celebrating after the not-goal, which is mildly hilarious, if you can find gross refereeing incompetence hilarious. So, that’s pretty much it for the first half. Maybe England can use that injustice as motivation to come firing back in the 2nd half, despite looking like utter shite for 95% of the match so far?

Gerrard cuts diagonally backwards in from his secondment on the left wing, dragging a shot wide when he probably should have passed. Lampard has a free kick that’s fully 35 yards out. Has he been chatting with Roberto Carlos or something? SHIT ME. Absolutely leathers it, the keeper is nowhere and it hits the bar. So unlucky.

I know it’s *technically* a leave by Neuer, but I don’t think any keeper can be that sure a shot like that is only going to hit the bar. He’s got away with one there.

Gerrard has another tame shot saved by Neuer. Lahm sells Neuer short with a backpass and Neuer just makes it to the ball first ahead of Defoe. Gerrard drags another shot wide. Stop it, Steve, for God’s sake. Muller finds space between the lines and advances to the edge of the box. England just seem to freeze in position but his shot is weak and deflected wide. Schweinsteiger shoots just wide from 25 yards.

Lampard hits a free kick against the wall, and it falls to Barry, who dallies and loses it. Germany are up the other end in a flash and it’s 3 on 3. Schweinsteiger tees up Muller, who has an age to set himself and smashes it through David James, who’s looking in the wrong direction as the ball hits him and goes in. We could blame the Jabulani, but really we’ve just been had on the counter, and when you’re chasing the game, what can you do? Personally, I’d start with not diving out of the way of the ball, but then I’m not a goalie so what do I know.

Muller shins one wide. Germany clear from a Joe Cole cross, and it’s the infamous bit where Ozil makes up about 10 yards on Barry, who trundles after him like an 80 year-old chasing an escaped whippet. Ozil gets into the box, slides it across for Muller who slots it home. Embarrassing.

Gomez shoots wide. Gerrard breaks through the middle, and finally gets a decent shot away, but it’s tipped round the post by a diving Neuer. Rooney tries a back-volley from a corner, but it loops tamely up into Neuer’s hands. Lampard shoots from 25 yards but Neuer pats it down fairly easily.

And that’s it. The last remnants of the golden generation being made to look like utter goofs by a far superior German team. I suppose that not-goal kind of makes up for ’66…yeah? Call it quits, yeah?

Today’s feeling: Out in the groups thanks to a not-goal for Kane against Wales where VAR mysteriously stops working.

Not so much sneaking up on you as quietly breaking into your house at night and rearranging your furniture for no reason, the World Cup is just a shade over 3 weeks away. Let’s do a countdown within the countdown: The opening titles of each 90’s World Cup from BBC and ITV, ranked.

#6 – ITV, USA ’94 – Gloryland

Facepainted children advertising Panasonic is probably the high point, though at least they don’t go too hard on the American stereotypes, limiting it to just the bald eagle and the Stars & Stripes. There’s no actual football on display, just a few shots of various players celebrating a bit, and then one massive group bundle shot at the end. The song, “Glorlyand”, performed by Daryl Hall and the Sounds of Blackness, is presumably supposed to be a rousing number, but is a caustic mix of euro-pop and gospel music more terrible than anything on David Hasselhoff’s greatest hits. (Speaking of which, the song “Hot Shot City” is particularly good).

#5 – BBC, France ’98 – Pavane

We enter through the doors of what is supposedly an upmarket French restaurant, but it looks suspiciously like the set of Ocean World from the Crystal Maze. The focus remains on the interior furnishings, whilst a few classic World Cup moments play slightly blurred in the background: the Pele header, the Cruyff turn, Gazza crying. The focus then shifts to wine, with Alan Shearer appearing in 8 glasses all at once, Zidane and some others appear in 4 glasses. Baguettes. Waiters. Napkins. Finally the camera tilts up to the sun streaming through a stained glass manifestation of the trophy itself. This was dull, and had rosbif fingerprints all over it.

#4 – BBC, Italia ’90 – Nessun Dorma

Yes, yes, it’s a “classic”. And of course, Pavarotti’s fearsome tenor delivery is mesmerizing. But we’re not judging this on nostalgia or music choice alone. There’s no hint of football for the first 30 seconds of this, which is taken up by shots of artwork and two ballerinas dancing around a giant, floating orange, which eventually turns into a football, or something approaching one. We finally get some action, and it’s slow-mo shots of Pele celebrating, the Cruyff turn, Maradona dribbling. There’s a diving header. Marco van Basten foreshadowing Alan Shearer’s hand-raised-whilst-running celebration. Brief shots of Irish, Scottish and English players celebrating, before ending on Marco Tardelli’s iconic running, arms-pumping, emotionally wrecked face celebration from 1982. Simple enough, I suppose, and definitely classier than the ’98 effort, but I think English memories of the run to the semi-final have lionized a pretty tame visual effort.

#3 – ITV, France ’98 – Rendez-vous ’98

Opening with a firework-strewn Eiffel tower, we segue into an amusing if somewhat incongruous sponsorship bit for Vauxhall. A few more clichés Francais: an old bloke wearing a France ’98 cap, tour de France, the Eurostar, vineyards. Boules. It then shows us a hand-animated billboard of real Ronaldo running, which morphs into actual footage of real Ronaldo running, and suddenly we’re in amongst the action. Shearer shoots and (preusmably) scores. Michael Owen scores. Shearer celebrates in the rain. Owen celebrates in the dry. There’s a few more random bits of stock footage and a French traffic warden (or something – I know there’s a special name for them but I can’t remember it). John Collins scores a penalty against Brazil and Craig Brown leaps for joy. It sort of tapers off a bit towards the end, but the soundtrack of Jean Michel Jarre & Apollo 440 is just cheesy greatness.

#2 – ITV, Italia ’90 – Tutti al mondo

We’re entering earth’s atmosphere as the lines of a football pitch start appearing along with a truckload of balls. The ball spins towards us, and it’s the classic pentagon/hexagon ball design. On the pentagons, images of various historical players are superimposed – Bobby Charlton, Pele, Johan Cruyff, Roger Federer. (Yes, I was surprised as well). The ball spins away. We’re now settled in a geostationary orbit above Italy, and there’s loads of balls bouncing everywhere, hitting the dots that presumably represent the various stadia locations being used for the event. Someone starts whipping in crosses for Michaelangelo’s David, who nods them in like a prime, naked Duncan Ferguson. The mascot, Ciao, knocks in a sweet half volley. There’s still time for one more statue, I think it’s Apollo and Daphne, to get in on the act, lobbing a ball somewhere like a bored neighbour throwing next-door’s ball back for the thousandth time. Finally, we get some classic Italian cars parked in a somewhat cavalier manner outside the Colosseum, and that’s it really. The song is great, very Depehce Mode-y, but fits the kitsch opening titles perfectly. It’s a really neat little package, just let down by a lack of actual, real football and not just statues doing headers (though that bit is great).

#1 – BBC, USA ’94 – America

Crucially remembering that, to introduce a football programme, it’s common sense to show football action, and, like, goals. Of course, it’s USA! USA! USA! so there’s a litany of visual cliches – Statue of Liberty, White House, Mickey Mouse, but we also get a montage of goals, fouls, Jack Charlton grinning and Pat Bonner doing the head-tilted “careful!” expression. Bernstein’s “America” from West Side Story gives it a huge amount of drive. Presumably because England weren’t in it, the higher profile producer dweebs at beeb couldn’t be arsed, resulting in a coherent, exciting set of opening titles. Excellent stuff.

Today’s feeling: Out in the groups after Diana Ross makes amends for the ’94 opening ceremony and scores the only goal from the spot to knock England out.