“Think I’d rather have Cole Palmer over Phil Foden in the England team”
13/11/23
“I mean, yeah, Foden, great. Can’t wait for him to not do it for England in the summer.”
5/3/24
“Palmer for England. We need technically excellent players who thrive in rubbish teams, not Phil Foden.”
22/3/24
“Super excited for Foden to disappear into that England shirt at the Euros.”
21/5/24
As we are wont to do, we look backward before looking forward to tomorrow’s World Cup quarter final match between France and England. The countries have met twice at World Cups: first, in the group stage in 1966, with England running out 2-0 winners thanks to a brace from Roger Hunt, second, at Spain ’82, again in the group stage, England winning 3-1 thanks to a couple from Bryan Robson and Plymouth’s finest Paul Mariner.
So in order not to get carried away with our 100% record against Les Bleus at World Cups, let’s revisit an old friend: Euro 2004. The only major tournament that Wayne Rooney really excelled in, it was probably the best chance the Golden Generation had to win a major tournament. Before the quarter final heartache against Portugal, there was yet another group stage match between two nations.
In the opening preamble of the highlights I’m watching, Martin Tyler talks about Beckham and Zidane being clubmates in Madrid, but are here standing next to each other in EXTREME RIVARLY. You hear that? EXTREME.
The first action is Zidane picking up the ball between the lines. England are a touch slow to close down, and he’s able get a shot away from about 25 yards, which goes wide.
Patrick Vieira crosses from the right, David Trezeguet steals a run in front of the centre backs and flashes a header just over.
Beckham buys a free kick on the right wing, which is in a great position for the set piece maestro to cross. He plays it into the box, and Frank Lampard is there to head home a fairly difficult chance that he was kind of moving backwards for. It’s a PES 2 goal if ever I’ve seen one.
Simple as anything. 2nd half now. Thierry Henry tees up a volley from 20 yards, but it’s straight at David James. England look like they’re defending a counterattack (lads, you’re winning, what are you doing), Henry cuts in on his right foot but again it’s straight at the keeper. Beckham shoots from about 30 yards but it goes over. Henry blasts over from 20 yards on his left foot.
Now then. Beckham lumps it clear from inside the England box. We’re treated to an extended shot of Bixente Lizarazu jogging up the pitch whilst Martin Tyler informs us that Rooney chases and wins the ball. We finally cut back to the match and Rooney is galloping forward, Vassell’s right there with him and it’s a 2 on 1.
It’s such an easy square ball to Vassell to wrap up the game, but he goes it alone, just getting into the box when he is absolutely clobbered by Mikael Silvestre. It looks for all the world like a penalty and a red card, but it’s only a yellow. Unlike Rotterdam 11 years ago though, a penalty is given. Urrggh, look at this. Just fucking square it!
Martin Tyler informs us that Beckham missed his last England penalty. Up he steps:
Oh, Dave. Undeterred, England still push for a 2nd. Vassell hits a bobbling shot from 25 yards that somehow catches Barthez by surprise and smashes him in the face. It looks like a blatant backpass is about to happen but the camera conveniently cuts away. CONSPIRACY. Hargreaves replaces Scholes to shore up the England midfield to help them see out the game.
Some sterling defensive work from Emile Heskey sees him boot Makelele in the chest to give away a free kick in a very dangerous area. David James lines up the wall, then stands directly behind it to give himself the least possible chance of reacting to the shot:
Go on, here it comes:
I mean, the ball goes in the net in the exact spot where David James is supposed to be fucking standing. It’s just fucking terible goalkeeping. I did enjoy him absolutely lampooning the ball at Gallas after it’s bounced out of the net, mind. There’s a shot of Beckham doing exaggerated breathing exercises, telling everyone they need to calm down.
Good advice, too – there’s not long left, a draw is a still good result, don’t do anything stupid, right Steve? Steve? STEEEEEEVE!
Jesus Christ almighty, what the fuck is he playing at! Under no pressure, the 30 yard lofted backpass to certain death. David James duly obliges with a horrendous looking tackle to give away the penalty. Could he not have challenged with his hands because it was a backpass? Not that it’d probably have made any difference anyway, for fuck’s sake.
“It’s heartbreak for England,” says Martin Tyler. Sure was. Like Shilton at Italia ’90, you knew James wasn’t getting anywhere near that. I remember being pretty distraught after this. Luckily I was staying with my uncle and I don’t really remember what else happened that evening so I presume sorrows were drowned and the world was put to rights.
England had the lead and had a golden chance to make it 2-0, but Beckham couldn’t make it count and it all fell apart terribly with Gerrard’s insane backpass of destiny. Let’s hope for better tomorrow.
Today’s feeling: at least David James isn’t in goal for the next game.
Bonus Gallery:
I’ve seen a whole bunch of stuff about it being the anniversary of Beckham’s free kick against Greece today, so I won’t bother revisiting that one at the moment. Instead, whilst you’ve probably heard this one before, it’s never a bad time to revisit it. It’s Peter Beardsley’s audition for the “World in Motion” rap section!
The tournament of dreams is back for more, and it cannot be stopped.
7 June, 1997 – France vs England
Gazza’s back in the starting XI for this one. I think it’s a back 4 with Phil Neville in midfield, or else Gary Neville’s playing in a back 3 with Phil Neville and Graeme le Saux as wing backs. Maybe? Any suggestions, please @ me. Thanks again to eu-football.info for this:
Well I’m afraid perilously little of this game made it through to the YouTube era. We see the end of a replay of David Seaman making a save. Then it cuts to England down the right, with…Beckham? He crosses and it’s slightly deflected. Barthez attempts to cut it out, but spills it and who’s there but yours truly, Alan Shearer to poke home the loose ball from 2 yards out.
Barthez sells it like he’s been fouled or had the ball kicked out of his hands, but on the replay you can clearly see he makes a total hash of it, and while Shearer is a bit clumsy in grinding Barthez’s head into the ground with his trailing leg, it’s not really a foul.
I still can’t work out who this is.
Highlights:
10 June, 1997 – England vs Brazil
Let’s face it, this tournament is only as well remembered as it is for Roberto Carlos’s banana whip of a free kick in the other game against France. Nonetheless, we’re here for the boys in white (or red, in this case). We get a Euro ’96 redux with Hoddle looking to rekindle the old SAS magic. I think it’s a 5-3-2, and yep there’s the graphic:
Not a bad side really, apart from Phil Neville.
Tasty. Real Ronaldo, before the unpleasantness with the knees. Yikes.
Ok, let’s go. Cafu nutses Ince, but his cross is cleared. Southgate (I think) muffs a clearance and Ronaldo looks to be clean through, but Sol Campbell makes an amazing recovery sliding tackle to put it behind for a corner. Glenn Hoddle looks annoyed. The Brazil bench looks bored. Ince exchanges passes with Gazza, and hits a decent effort from 25 yards out, which is touched behind by Taffarel. Denilson is fouled by clumsy fuck Phil Neville, who manages to cut him open hardway. Shearer ballons a header miles over. Not much to write home about yet.
Leonardo breaks through the middle but shoots just over. The ball sits up nicely for GARY NEVILLE, who probably came as close as he ever would to scoring in an England shirt with a tame, bouncing effort from about 30 yards out. Ronaldo gets in behind again but Seaman saves with his legs. Shearer leaves a bit in on Ronaldo, who cheerfully repays the favour by kicking him back. Both get booked.
Bobby C tries to repeat his banana trick, but Seaman punches it behind. Some all around Brazilian piss-taking is finally snuffed out by Le Saux. Chance after chance for Brazil, England are being run ragged. Leonardo plays in Romario, and after something of a toe-poke from about 8 yards, England’s resistance is finally broken. Check out Phil Neville on the replay, gallantly jogging back with no hoping of contributing anything as Romario drives his way through.
Phil Neville can’t even foul Leonardo properly, missing a sliding lunge by miles. He then copies big bro Gary by having a shot on target. Hark at him! And that’s it. England never looked like coming back into it, though Scholes had a half chance that he should have done better with.
Highlights:
England lost the battle, but would still win the Le Tournwar, thanks to Brazil drawing with France and Italy. Hurrah for Le Tournoi!
Today’s feeling: Out in the groups because we finish level with two other teams on 6 points and we’re eliminated because REASONS.
The wait for an England Men’s major tournament victory goes on, and will likely continue on through the winter of discontent in Qatar. So what can you do with no recent major tournament victories to celebrate? Why, celebrate a minor tournament victory instead! Hurrah for Le Tournoi!
Much like the Umbro Cup 2 years previously, when England were rowing painfully in the competition-free doldrums leading up to Euro ’96, France tried to stir the competitive pot with a meaningless friendly tournament of their own. Le Tournoi de France, translating as “Tournament of France” (maybe they had help from the minds behind the 1991 England Challenge Cup), featured England, France, Italy and Brazil.
4th June, 1997 – England vs Italy
The first set of highlights I found had “My Immortal” by Evanesence as the soundtrack. Yes, we all feel the loss of not having Le Tournoi in our lives anymore, but is the pain that deep? Anyway, it’s a bit of a thrown together England team, courtesy of the good people at eu-football.info:
Where’s Nigel Clough when you need him? Scholes picks up the ball just outside the centre circle in the England half. He spots Ian Wright making a run in behind the Italian defence and clips an excellent long pass over the top for Wright to run on to. It bounces once and Wrighty lashes it into the corner for the opening goal. Simple yet elegant. Graham Taylor approves.
Wright is played in down the left channel. He plays it low into the box and finds Scholes, who hits it first time on his left past a statuesque Peruzzi. Clincal finish.
Shame the Wright/Scholes combo didn’t get more traction, there was the beginning of something there, but their careers just didn’t overlap enough. Still, it all turned out…eh…alright? Is going out on penalties the following year “alright”? Eh.
Highlights: Spanish Commentary version (recommended)
Highlights – My Immortal version:
So, with 48 days to go, let’s review England’s 4th highest scorer of all time with 48 goals. But, for brevity’s sake, let’s just look at the final 9 goals.
Goal 40: 25 May, 1991 – England vs Argentina, 1991 England Challenge Cup
An idea conceived of before the FA had a dedicated marketing department, can be the only explanation I can think of for the most middle-aged white man sounding tournament in history.
A young David Batty winning his first England cap is featured in the pre-match line-up chat by Motson. He gets fouled by an also-young Diego Simeone in a weird precursor of France ’98-related shenangians. The subsequent free-kick, just inside England’s half, is taken by Stuart Pearce and it’s a long ball into the penalty area. It hangs for an age before landing on a somehow unmarked Lineker’s head 8 yards out, who executes a diving, glancing header beyond the keeper to open the scoring. It’s tremendously simple stuff, but a very well taken goal nonetheless.
Goal 41: 3 June, 1991 – New Zealand vs England, Friendly
There’s a real feeling that the 1991 shorts were left behind when the team flew out on tour, and all they could find were the 1985 shorts, such is the level of budgie-smuggling going on here. Also, there’s a beautiful athletics track surrounding the pitch/grass hill with spectators on behind the goal combo, that you just don’t see enough of in high-level internationals these days.
Dennis Wise misses a chance and then trudges back looking every inch the scolded child. John Salako hits the bar. Earl Barrett! It’s the 93rd minute and Motson and Brooking have given up. But wait! Paul Parker puts in a low cross and Lineker steals in ahead of the keeper to flick it home. Motson says, “It all seemed lost…the chance of a win, that is.” Well, drawing with New Zealand feels like a loss.
Goals 42-45: 12 June 1991 – Malaysia vs England, Friendly
Must be one of the last outings of the “Commentator on the phone” trope before the technology took over.
England have a free kick in the first minute. Its swung in but partially cleared, eventually coming to Geoff Thomas, who feeds a simple ball to Lineker, who then rifles home with his left foot.
Pearce loops in a corner. Mark Wright flicks it on and Lineker stabs it home from about 2 yards. Easy.
There’s a calamitous attempt to play it out from the back that gets intercepted by Geoff Thomas, who again plays a simple pass to Lineker, but the shot from the edge of the box is parried. It falls to David Platt on the right, who chips it into the near post for Lineker to head home.
Platt misses from 15 yards with a spectacular bicycle kick. Pearce’s cross misses Platt’s head in the box but runs on to John Salako. The keeper rushes out and it’s the simplest job for Salako to chip it in and Lineker heads into an empty net.
46: 13 November 1991 – Poland vs England, Euro ’92 qualifier
A crucial qualifier and a hostile environment in Poznan. Andy Gray (not that one) misses a great chance. Barry McGuigan opens the scoring for Poland. Geoff Thomas misses a great chance to equalise. Poland are denied a stonewall penalty when Chris Woods brings down the Polish chap who beats him to the ball. VAR is weeping at that one. I wonder if there’s some Polish blogger ranting about this? Godspeed, my friend.
Rocastle swings in a corner. It’s headed down by Gary Mabbutt, and Lineker volleys it on the turn into the top corner. Brilliant goal!
47: 19 February 1992 – England vs France, Friendly
“Alan Shearer of Southampton” scores on his debut. Geoff Thomas with that miss. In what feels like an inter-generational singularity, Shearer crosses for Nigel Clough, whose shot is parried, only for Lineker to head home at the 2nd attempt. Persistence pays off.
48: 29 April 1992 – CIS vs England, Friendly
Martin Tyler proves my earlier prediction wrong by phoning it in from Moscow for Sky Sports. Tony Daley battles down the right, swings one in and Lineker heads home. Routine as you like. “Surely Bobby Charlton’s mark will fall to him,” observes Tyler. Surely.
Not 49: 17 May 1992 – England vs Brazil, Friendly
Oh, Gary!
Today’s feeling: Out in the groups. Harry Kane retires from international football on 52 goals after trying to head in a penalty vs Iran.
Knowledge is knowing who the first player to score 100 away goals in the Premier League is. Wisdom is knowing that stats like that are pretty meaningless.
Not that I’m thing to minimise Harry Kane’s “achievement”, but does it really mean anything more n what we already know: that he scores lots of goals and is a great player?
Just a reminder to myself to get annoyed when your Mowbrays and your Matterfaces are droning on about some equivalent bollocks like Kieran Trippier being the leading scorer in England games played on a Thursday afternoon in Asia.
World Cup Group B participants as Neighbours characters.
England – Paul Robinson. A long history of terrorising the neighbourhood, arson, theft, murder, and general pig headedness means he’s almost universally hated by everyone. Massive amounts of stolen wealth and illegal dealings, but capable of beating anyone on his day, despite the loss of a leg.
USA – Joe Scully. Clearly harbouring plans for world domination, perhaps lacking the finesse required to go all the way and win the damn thing. Leaves the group under a cloud due to a “misunderstanding” with other teams (I.e. they’re a bit shite)
Wales – Kim Timmins. Rarely seen on the big stage, probably won’t be back for a long time.
Iran – Harold Bishop. Religious fanatic, convenient amnesia about his secular past, generally unlikely to cause trouble for anyone in the group but might still be planning to kill you.
Today’s feeling: A serious case of “out in the groups-itis”. I’m off to see Dr Karl.
New season, and isn’t great to have fans back? I know we keep saying it, but isn’t it great? Great to have the fans back, it’s great. Haven’t you missed fans? Isn’t it great to have them back? Anyway here’s a few thoughts on some of the 5 live broadcast team.
John Murray: For me, the best commentator around. One of the very few of the modern-era that isn’t trying to get himself over, but is confident in his own voice and style and brings everything to life perfectly. Amiable and friendly, without degenerating too far into bantz~! mode. Happily slides up and down the friendliness scale between “cordial” and “chummy” depending on who he’s working with.
Michael Brown: Seems to immediately lose track of what he’s saying immediately after he starts speaking. Waffles on for hours without really making a point about anything. Speaks entirely in rote-learned soundbites that often contradict each other. Does the Alan Smith extendy-voice-growl thing when describing something, e.g. “He gets the ball, and driiiives into the box.” Doesn’t seem to understand anything about anything, but enjoys games with lots of fouling.
Alistair Bruce-Ball: Here are the teams, A. Player left out, I wonder how that’ll affect your fantasy football team? B. Player hasn’t scored for 4 games, have you taken him out of your fantasy football team? The referee today is C. Unit, he’s usually good when you’ve got D. Player as captain in your fantasy football team. Oh, there’s been two goals and a red card in the time I’ve been talking about fantasy football, hopefully they’ll be good news for your fantasy football team, let me just find out who was involved…
Clinton Morrison: An enjoyable ex-pro perspective. Good chemistry with most of the lads, especially Murray and Steve Crossman. Comparatively sane and stoic against the likes of Savage and Sutton. Ends 70% of his sentences with “at this precise moment”, which sounds like it should be annoying but isn’t because he’s too endearing.
Conor McNamara: Bit too obviously a Man Utd fan for my liking. Tries a bit too hard to be eloquent for no reason and it makes some passages of play sound a bit choppy. Does the thing where he’ll hand over to the analyst by saying their full name to end a sentence, which makes it sound like he’s trying to drop them in it for something. “Chance wasted by Nicolas Pepe there, and two packets of hobnobs have gone missing from the kitchen, Mark Lawrenson.” [RADIO GLARING]
Karen Carney: Knows her shit. Good analysis of matches and avoids the shock-jock wankery of some of her peers. Sent football twitter into meltdown by opining that the COVID-enforced break of the 2019-20 season might have benefitted Leeds promotion bid. (I mean, is it that unreasonable an opinion)? Social media target because she’s a woman covering football and it makes certain men feel very threatened. Seems to hate Arsenal 🙁
Alistair Bruce-Ball: I actually quite like him, he’s good at quickly describing the action but in a way that doesn’t feel rushed.
Chris Sutton: A man who is very much tired of London. Everything is marginally disappointing in his eyes. Constantly mardy with everyone and everything, though his description of Turkey’s “wall of meat” during the Euros was amusing. Doesn’t seem to enjoy anything about modern football apart from when strikers get away with fouling people. Has carved out a broadcasting niche as “The Angry Alan Partridge of football” but without most of the humour and all of the cringe (wall of meat notwithstanding).
Robbie Savage: Plays up to the fact that everyone thinks he’s a bit of a knob, but his in-match analysis is usually pretty good (apart from during Wales games). Used to do that thing where he’d say “Listen,” before trying to make a point, except he’d use it at the beginning of every sentence so it sounded like his co-presenters keep drifting off when he’s talking.
Ian Dennis: The quintessential radio “safe pair of hands”, he’s good at what he does and makes everything an enjoyable listen. Also, there’s the Bono incident…
I don’t believe anyone complaining about the European Super League is naïve enough not to believe that football’s all about the money. For as long as there has been chairmen to extract profits from clubs, football has been about the money. The Premier League emerged from the era that housed Ken Bates’s electric fences, Thatcher’s persecution of the poor, and Alan Sugar’s desire to sell more Amstrad Satellite dishes. Treating the fans like dirt whilst happily accepting their coin has been the Modus Operandi for the people at the top of the game since time immemorial. The idea that the Premier League was simply a “rebranding” because of football’s bad 80’s vibe is laughable.
So what’s different this time? The transformation of the top flight from “glitzy repackaged Division 1 games featuring Ronny Rosenthal” to “money-making powerhouse featuring all your favourite stars and Nicolas Pepe” was not instantaneous. It was a gradual gentrification, a country and a culture so intrinsically mistrustful of foreigners, slow to change its inward-looking ways. It wasn’t until the ’94-’95 season that we saw more than one foreign import in the top 20 most expensive transfers[1], according to data from transfermarkt.co.uk. Whilst there were many dissenting voices about the formation of the Premier League at the time – perhaps most notably Alex Ferguson, which has been mentioned elsewhere today – it was not a root and branch destruction of the very core of its being. All about the money, yes, a repackaging, yes, but it’s essence was the same.
What the gradual change has allowed to happen is a strange communal cognitive dissonance, in that because things didn’t change an awful lot when we went from point A to point B in 1992, and then things didn’t change that much when we went from point B to point C, and so on ad infinitum, we’ve been able to convince ourselves that relentless extraction of money that football became wasn’t that bad, because the change from what it originally was so slow. And now, worrying that they won’t have access to neighbouring wells to run dry at some point in the near future, the breakaway clubs have decided that they can create a new, safe, endless well of money that will secure the wallets of their owners for all time.
It was inevitable from the day Alan Sugar informed BSkyB of the value of ITV’s bid for the inaugural Premier League TV rights, and told them to “blow [ITV] out of the water.” It’s all about the money. It always has been, and it always will be, and the fans can go whistle. It’s the natural culmination of a sport that’s become obsessed with money above all else, and the most surprising thing is how surprised people seem to by this absolute “revelation”, which was really something everybody knew all along.
[1] Cantona from Leeds to Man Utd isn’t counted as an import