Certain footballers and certain others in football have certain eccentricites. Small character traits which to them, may seem harmless or endearing, but to the rest of the world are infuriating, laughable, or some combination of the two. And so, purely in the interests of scientific comparison, 30 Yard Sniper has analysed some of their personalities, and found out who they would be if they were a cartoon character.

• Joey Barton – Scrappy Doo. “Let me at ’em, let me at ’em!” was the famous catchphrase of the former Newcastle midfielder. Universally hated by everyone except those on their own team. Although I doubt Barton is too pally with Ousmane Dabo.
• Nicklas Bendtner – Brain. Sunderland’s on-loan forward is in no doubt of his abilities. “I’m one of the best strikers in the world,” he once said. But, like Brain, his attempts to take over the world will always be unsuccessful because he’s a lot more rubbish than he believes himself to be.
• Jermaine Jenas – Casper the friendly ghost. You can see him, you can hear him, but he’s just not actually there. The phantom of the midfield.
• Ken Bates – Stavros Garkos. Apart from teaching us that 12 year-old girls can’t play professional football with men (but that they make great owners of clubs), and that a team of robots can be overcome if your hard-nosed Scottish manager reads poetry at half-time, The Hurricanes introduced children everywhere to the concept of the über-villain chairman.  “Uncle” Ken Bates’ plans to install electric fences to deter hooligans at Stamford Bridge were rejected by the Greater London Council in 1985.
• Arsene Wenger – Master Splinter. Arsenal’s defensive problems have been well documented so far this season, though I’m sure having a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle alongside Per Mertesacker would be better than Laurent Koscielny. Teaching his young mutant brethren from the sewers and living solely off a diet of take-away pizza, it’s little wonder Wenger’s Arsenal have such a terrible injury record.
• Winston Bogarde – Carmen Sandiego. Signed on a free transfer from Barcelona in 2000, Bogarde collected a tidy £686,666 for each of his 12 appearnces in a 4-year stint at Chelsea, though all but one of those occurred in his first season. I’m not sure if they ever found Carmen Sandiego, but it’s possible she was hiding in Winston’s wardrobe. If you’re still looking, dudes, check there.
• Garry Cook – Captain Planet. He’s a hero. Gonna take, er, Financial Fair Play down to zero! (Lyrics written by Phil Collins, according to lyrics007.com. Never trust lyric websites). Combining Earth, Fire, Wind and Water, the only thing stopping our man having a blue face and green hair is a distinct lack of Heart, though he could buy their greatest hits here.
• Alan Shearer – Inanimate Carbon Rod. Rather than give Homer the employee of the month award on The Simpsons, Mr. Burns awards to it to an inanimate carbon rod. Shearer is the centrepiece of the horrific MOTD old boys club, the embodiment of the BBC not only appealing to the lowest common denominator, but giving it a plum job on their flagship football highlights programme.

Towards the end of last season, Football Focus were interviewing two old boys of the game (Jimmy Anderson (not the cricketer) and one other I can’t remember), and as the interview came to a close, the interviewer (I forget who – there seems to be a theme emerging here) asked the two old boys whether they would trade in their glory days of the past for the wages of today (I may be twisting it slightly but stick with me here). To my surprise, they said, resoundingly, “yes”. This was a shock. Primarily because I had come to assume the old cliché about everything being “better in the old days” was what everyone believed. I think the interviewer was also a little taken aback.

Of course, the focus was on wages, where few would opt for the relative poverty of old compared to the Scrooge McDuck piles of money of the modern professional but this got me thinking, what else have we to be thankful for in the modern game? What can we look at in today’s football world and say “it has never been better than this”…

1. Stadiums – No longer does the average joe have to paddle through streams of frothy piss whilst cheering on his heroes from the stands. The relative comfort of today’s stadiums may not be everyone’s cup of tea but I’ll have a nice big potful, thanks. They also mostly have roofs. Except if you’re an away fan at Bristol Rovers soon to be demolished Memorial Stadium, of course. And finally, you can even see the pitch at most modern stadiums. No longer do you have to leave at half time to go eat a Big Mac, missing Dwight Yorke scoring a penalty in the process, because you’re only 7 and you can’t see past the big fat guy in front.

2. Media Coverage – Back in the day, before the advent of the internet, when people used to wear braces and work down mines, the summer used to be the reserve of cricket and its fans. No longer! Now we can get 24 hr updates on the latest clogger our teams are going to sign, you can get a 1000 word essay on the meaning of Joey Barton’s latest tweet or you can read a few hundred words about what some guy you don’t know thinks about modern football. It may not sound like much but when you’re addicted, you’re addicted. Now, if we can just get James Richardson to host all football shows on TV, then we’ll be sorted.

3. Pitches/Quality of Football – Leaving aside any argument about the technical quality of most of the teams in England, the improvements in pitches have unquestionably improved the quality of football on show. Modern inventions like the lawnmower, garden fork and sunlight, mean groundsmen all over the world no longer have to stand knee deep in muddy pitches nurturing a single blade of grass to life with a rusty spoon and a handful of magic beans. And I for one am glad.

4. Live Matches – The final nail in my ‘real football fan’ coffin. I like watching football from the comfort of my own settee (or your settee, or anyone’s really). I admit it. It’s not that I don’t like going to stadiums (see no.1), it’s just that the TV experience provides so much more value for money and there’s always some football on somewhere (even if it is a U16’s game from Peru). Not to mention being able to drink a beer whilst sitting on your own sofa. Unless, of course, you spill it and make a mess, and therefore get sent to bed without dinner.

There are of course many other things I could point to, the loss of stigma of being a ‘football fan’ for instance, but I think that list will do for a start. Feel free to add to the list below or, perhaps more realistically, let me know why I am talking utter gonads. Ta.