Today, we look through all of England legend Frank Lampard’s goals at the World Cup.

It’s insane what a pivotal moment this was, because we’d been absolute shit in this game if memory serves correctly. Let’s have a little dig, then.

Still having nightmares about David James’s performance against France in Euro 2004, and yet here he is again. Yes, I remember Scott Carson. How many more nightmares do you want me to relive? Nothing against Matt Upson, but it’s weird to see him starting in a World Cup. I’m sure he felt the same way. Nice to see Capello’s answer to the Gerrard & Lampard question is just to put Barry in between and hope for the best. Fucking joke. Defoe and Rooney up front also seems like someone’s just been pissing about with the team sheet and they accidentally ended up as the first choice pairing.

A simple ball over the top sees up and coming youngster Meszut Ozil get in behind, but he’s denied by James’s legs. Early warning signs.

Ashley Cole goes in hard on Thomas Muller. Just about gets the ball first but it’s a real doozy.

Lots of German pressure. Khedira blasts one miles over the bar from 30 yards. He then double teams Lampard with Schweinsteiger to concede a free kick in a promising position for England, and there’s a slow motion replay of him saying “Big boy, ref”. The resulting free kick is not included in the highlights package, presumably because it was too amazing and probably a goal.

The first goal is ludicrous. Spookily reminiscent of the 2nd Dutch goal that did for Graham Taylor in 1993, it’s just the most routine long ball you’ve ever seen that somehow isn’t dealt with. Upson tries manfully to bring him down and get himself sent off, whilst David James backpedals away from ball that he surely could have got to first if he hadn’t just ran away. By the time he eventually tiptoes forward to narrow the angle, Klose’s away from Upson and it’s a simple tap in. Absolute farce.

Rooney trundles in from the left wing and smashes one into the Northern Hemisphere. Klose gets in again but James saves with his legs once more. Defoe heads against the bar but is ruled offside anyway. Germany play about 2 one-touch passes and they’re in again, England are all over the place and can’t live with them. Muller looks like he’s through, but he plays it awkwardly wide for Podolski, who has about 3 years to control it and set himself, and then fires it home from a tight angle. Amateur hour from England. Terrible.

Milner drills in a low cross, which finds Lampard, whose poked effort is saved by Neuer. Barry and Upson are left for dead by Klose in the 6 yard box, whose drag back leaves him with a great chance for 3-0, but Gerrard steams in for the block. England take a corner short and it’s played to Gerrard on the corner of the box. He swings it in and Upson rises to head home. Despite looking like utter cretins for the entire match, England are back in it.

Buoyed by their throroughly undeserved goal, England have the feels. Defoe receives it on the edge of the box, but is tackled. The ball comes to Lampard who brings it down, and hits a perfectly executed lob over Neuer that hits the bar, crosses the line and spins back out again. No goal given.

And that, my friends, is why we have VAR. So next time you want to have a whinge about it, blame Frank Lampard. They show a replay of Capello sort of matter-of-factly celebrating after the not-goal, which is mildly hilarious, if you can find gross refereeing incompetence hilarious. So, that’s pretty much it for the first half. Maybe England can use that injustice as motivation to come firing back in the 2nd half, despite looking like utter shite for 95% of the match so far?

Gerrard cuts diagonally backwards in from his secondment on the left wing, dragging a shot wide when he probably should have passed. Lampard has a free kick that’s fully 35 yards out. Has he been chatting with Roberto Carlos or something? SHIT ME. Absolutely leathers it, the keeper is nowhere and it hits the bar. So unlucky.

I know it’s *technically* a leave by Neuer, but I don’t think any keeper can be that sure a shot like that is only going to hit the bar. He’s got away with one there.

Gerrard has another tame shot saved by Neuer. Lahm sells Neuer short with a backpass and Neuer just makes it to the ball first ahead of Defoe. Gerrard drags another shot wide. Stop it, Steve, for God’s sake. Muller finds space between the lines and advances to the edge of the box. England just seem to freeze in position but his shot is weak and deflected wide. Schweinsteiger shoots just wide from 25 yards.

Lampard hits a free kick against the wall, and it falls to Barry, who dallies and loses it. Germany are up the other end in a flash and it’s 3 on 3. Schweinsteiger tees up Muller, who has an age to set himself and smashes it through David James, who’s looking in the wrong direction as the ball hits him and goes in. We could blame the Jabulani, but really we’ve just been had on the counter, and when you’re chasing the game, what can you do? Personally, I’d start with not diving out of the way of the ball, but then I’m not a goalie so what do I know.

Muller shins one wide. Germany clear from a Joe Cole cross, and it’s the infamous bit where Ozil makes up about 10 yards on Barry, who trundles after him like an 80 year-old chasing an escaped whippet. Ozil gets into the box, slides it across for Muller who slots it home. Embarrassing.

Gomez shoots wide. Gerrard breaks through the middle, and finally gets a decent shot away, but it’s tipped round the post by a diving Neuer. Rooney tries a back-volley from a corner, but it loops tamely up into Neuer’s hands. Lampard shoots from 25 yards but Neuer pats it down fairly easily.

And that’s it. The last remnants of the golden generation being made to look like utter goofs by a far superior German team. I suppose that not-goal kind of makes up for ’66…yeah? Call it quits, yeah?

Today’s feeling: Out in the groups thanks to a not-goal for Kane against Wales where VAR mysteriously stops working.