Well, I got my final bit of pontificating out of the way yesterday, and in a bid to end the countdown on a slightly happier note, I’ve decided to relive a more pleasant bit of recent history. (As if the failed ’94 qualifying campaign wasn’t a great big barrel o’laughs). Let’s head back to the heady days of 2018, to the Otkritie Arena, Moscow, to the 2nd round, to Columbia vs England.

I was on holiday for this, but thanks to my lovely wife giving me the night off, I was able to head down to the pub/club/whatever the thingy is with the booze and the projector, with my brother, and enjoy the full spectacle. The great news is, Dele Alli is fit again. That midfield seems almost unfathomable with 2022 eyes, yet it must have been doing something right to get us as far as we did.

I remember this being engrossing and enthralling, but unfortunately we’ve got Peter Drury on commentary, which makes me want to switch off immediately. Yes I know everybody loves him, despite him being a total shitarse, don’t @ me.

It’s a fairly cagey opening few minutes, but Alli plays a good ball down the left channel for Sterling, who wins a free kick off Mina for handball. Young whips it in and Ospina punches clear. It’s recycled to Trippier, who plays an excellent cross in from the right, but it’s headed behind by Mina for a corner. I always remember Ospina as being a full on chocolate-wristed keeper for Arsenal, but he’s done alright here, and claims the subsequent corner very well.

Kane is bundled over in the first installment of his evening’s entertainment. Trippier tries to sneak Sterling in from the resulting free kick, and he wins a corner. It’s defended easily and Columbia break very quickly, but England are able to hold up Quintero and they regroup.

When the weight of a nation’s expectations isn’t enough, why not try a little Columbian Defender?

Ahh, I’d forgotten about this beaut:

Trippier plays in Lingard down the right channel. Lingard holds it up, Trippier overlaps and Lingard plays him in, and he puts in a deep cross for Kane, who heads just over from a tight angle.

Pickford looks about 12 here. Lingard, who’s looked sharp, plays in Sterling, who completely fluffs it and gets pushed over for his trouble. We’re midway through the first half, and the early freneticism has died off somewhat; England are now in “Game management as a tactic” mode and definitely aren’t overcommitting in their build up play. England have a corner. Every attacking set piece gets delayed by the ref because of shoving. Nothing comes from it. Trippier fouls Falcao, and they exchange rather heated pleasantries. Maguire and Cuadrado become well acquianted by the corner flag. It’s getting a bit snippy.

Sterling can’t get in the game at all, then he finally does some good link up play and Kane wins England a free kick on the edge of the box. The wall for this is basically a ruck of both teams, and Hendo gets a nice headbutt on the chin for his troubles:

Maguire calls for the third umpire:

And the result is…a yellow card for Barrios. Perhaps when you headbutt from underneath, it’s less bad? Anyway, after about 10 years, Trippier finally takes the free kick:

Good effort, Ospina looks like he had it covered but you never really know with that guy. Columbia keep having nibbles, first at Alli, then Sterling. Kane shoots rather tamely wide from 25 yards. Quintero hits an awkward, bobbling shot in front of Pickford but he gathers well. A cross is headed clear, it comes to Lingard who can’t get over it and blazes it over. There’s a replay of Alli getting one in the nuts:

And that’s about it for the first half. Pretty cagey, whilst being pretty spiky at the same time. Not a great half of football, all told.

Drury attempts to tempt fate by mentioning the 0-0 from 1995 and Higuita’s scorpion kick save. Trippier miscontrols and there’s an audible cry of “Fuck off!” to himself. Arias is booked for elbowing Kane in the back when they go up for a header. Pretty cagey in the 2nd with 52 minutes on the clock. The free kick from the elbow on Kane is beautifully delivered by Ashley young, but headed clear for a corner.

There’s more shenanigans as Trippier delivers the corner, and Sanchez’s manhandling of Kane is enough for the ref to give a penalty.

Can’t really argue with that, he’s fully rodgering him by the end there. The Columbians are absolutely beside themselves, remonstrating with the ref and things get a bit tasty again, with Hendo getting booked for a reverse head-graze. Over 4 minutes have passed since the decision before Kane steps up…

That’s the way. I wouldn’t call it a deserved lead as there’s been so few chances, but at least the game has to open up now, surely.

Stones drags his foot over Falcao’s head, who sells it like death. Free kick but nothing else. This is not easy on the eye at all. Kane gets some more attention and wins another free kick. This is what I remember, just Kane getting fouled relentlessly. A comically bad dive from Maguire leads to Trippier crossing to the back post and Dele Alli heads over. Decent chance, that. The Columbians are going mental over Maguire’s dive and there’s more ref-haranguing.

England are trying to manage the game out and are starting to see a lot of the ball. Some patient build up sees Lingard into the left hand side of the box, where if he can just square it, Kane has a tap in, but his attempted pass is blocked by Sanchez. Maguire gets his head on the resulting corner, but it floats tamely onto the roof of the net. Kane gets another knock on the back of his knees for another free kick. Apart from Kane getting bashed around, it seems to have calmed down a bit. 15 minutes left.

England have suddenly dropped 10 or 15 yards deeper and it’s invited the Columbians on. Could be a conscious decision because England win it back and break so quickly with Sterling, who plays Lingard in, who goes down looking for a penalty.

Mmmm…no. Kane wins another free kick. Dele Alli is conveniently somewhere near the corner flag as his number comes up to be subbed for Eric Dier, and meanders his way to the other side of the pitch, occasionally breaking into a trot, taking forever. Walker is caught in possession and it’s 3 on 3. It comes to Cuadrado just inside the corner of the box, who blazes over. Big let off.

Lingard’s away down the right wing, but with Sterling waiting in the box, he takes a very heavy touch and the chance is gone. Kane fouled again. Columbia have a couple of good crosses delivered by Cuadrado and Mojica, but aren’t able to make anything of them. Less than 5 minutes left. The ref gets in Maguire’s way. Falcao hits a pea roller at Pickford from 20 yards. Sterling is replaced by Vardy, presumably because the game hasn’t been tetchy enough for the last 20 minutes and Southgate’s trying to rile it up. Kane fouled again. Mina blatantly shoves Kane from the resulting free kick, but it was so obvious, the ref just let it go. I think that’s how it works. 5 minutes of stoppage time.

Hendo buys a free kick and milks is it as long as possible. Uribe hits a pelter from 30 yards and Pickford’s forced into his first real save of the evening in the 92nd minute. Ospina’s up for the corner. He’s lurking nearby as it’s swung in, but Mina rises highest, heading it down into the ground and bouncing it up over Trippier on the post and in. England had killed this game stone dead but couldn’t drag it across the line. That equaliser really hadn’t been coming at all. Sigh.

After the restart, they show Mina moving a bit gingerly and rubbing his cock. Must have been a good celebration. I’m not GIF’ing that one, you can imagine it if you like. And that’s it…now for Extra Time.

My memories of this extra time are a bit hazy, as the lager level was quite high at this point. I have a vague impression that we were under the kosh and looked very tired. Let’s see if I’m right.

Columbia get in pretty easily down their left flank, but Bacca can’t quite reach the low cross. England aren’t really pressing anymore, which is understandable. Maguire is distracted by some multi-ball action, and the ball ends up in Pickford’s net, fortunately about 10 seconds after the ref had pulled it back. England are still very deep and Columbia now have licence to stroke it around at their leisure, much like England in normal time. Walker jumps for a challenge in England’s box with one arm raised high in the air, which feels like it’s asking for trouble, but it’s just a corner and nothing comes from it. Young is replaced by Danny Rose.

England can’t seem to do anything right once they get into Columbia’s half and they keep ceding possession. Falcao heads a decent chance wide. Stones kicks it straight off the pitch under no pressure and then blames Rose for being out of position. You know it doesn’t hurt to look first, mate. Half time in extra time.

England create a chance almost straight from the kick off, and it falls perfectly for Vardy on his left foot, but he fires straight at Ospina from about 14 yards. Argh! But it was offside anyway. Stones kicks it out for no reason again. Well, he’s tired I suppose. Lingard plays in Vardy but he’s closed down quickly and his shot is blocked. Walker, suffering from cramp, can’t decide if he wants to go down or not, resulting in a bit of a post-modern dance routine:

England have suddenly got a bit of spring in their step and it’s Columbia’s turn to sit deep while England push and probe. Hendo plays in Rose after some good possession and he flashes a shot just wide. Rashford comes on for Walker. 7 minutes left. Vardy gets in down the right channel, but Lingard can’t get enough on his cross, but it’s a corner. Trippier’s ball in is on a plate for Dier but he heads over. Golden chance.

Kane’s playing ostensibly as a 10 and England have looked much more threatening in this second period. 3 minutes left. Cuadrado is booked for sliding in on Rose, who was looking for it slightly. There’s a replay of Maguire clubbing Ospina across the chest, to which Drury hastily notes that he “meant nothing by that”. Yeah of course not. And that is finally that. A bitty, narky affair that was high on aggro and extremely low on quality. To penalties.

Falcao’s up first. Straight down the middle. England have the twin disadvantage of going 2nd and the penalties being taken at the Columbian fans end. Kane is first for England. Bottom left corner, struck very hard and true. 1-1. Cuadrado next. Top left corner. Exceptional. Rashford for England. Bottom left corner, struck perfectly. 2-2. Muriel next for Columbia. Rolls it gently into the bottom right corner, cool as you like. Here comes Hendo. He goes for the bottom right corner but Ospina’s across in a flash and it’s a fantastic save. 3-2 Columbia, 2 each remaining. Uribe to put Columbia on the cusp. But he smashes it agains the bar! Pickford puffs out his cheeks. Trippier with the chance to level it. Rifled into the top left corner. Great pen. 3-3 with 1 each left on the slate. Bacca with Columbia’s 5th. He goes left, but it’s not very far in the corner and Pickford sticks out his left arm to parry it away. Advantage England! Dier with the chance to send England through. And he’s done it! He’s fucking done it! Ospina got his hand on it but couldn’t keep it out. Is now a good time to go back and mention the chocolate wrists thing again? Get in there!

I was hoping to end the countdown on a more positive note, and even though England eventually prevailed, it was one of the most attritional games I can ever remember seeing. No wonder Kane was fucked for the rest of the tournament, he got absolutely battered around here. Ahh, well. It’s been fun. Remind me not to sit through the full 120+ minutes of this one again, Jesus Christ. I should have left the hazy, drunken memories alone.

Today’s feeling: England become the first team to go out of the group stage on penalties.