As we are wont to do, we look backward before looking forward to tomorrow’s World Cup quarter final match between France and England. The countries have met twice at World Cups: first, in the group stage in 1966, with England running out 2-0 winners thanks to a brace from Roger Hunt, second, at Spain ’82, again in the group stage, England winning 3-1 thanks to a couple from Bryan Robson and Plymouth’s finest Paul Mariner.
So in order not to get carried away with our 100% record against Les Bleus at World Cups, let’s revisit an old friend: Euro 2004. The only major tournament that Wayne Rooney really excelled in, it was probably the best chance the Golden Generation had to win a major tournament. Before the quarter final heartache against Portugal, there was yet another group stage match between two nations.
In the opening preamble of the highlights I’m watching, Martin Tyler talks about Beckham and Zidane being clubmates in Madrid, but are here standing next to each other in EXTREME RIVARLY. You hear that? EXTREME.
The first action is Zidane picking up the ball between the lines. England are a touch slow to close down, and he’s able get a shot away from about 25 yards, which goes wide.
Patrick Vieira crosses from the right, David Trezeguet steals a run in front of the centre backs and flashes a header just over.
Beckham buys a free kick on the right wing, which is in a great position for the set piece maestro to cross. He plays it into the box, and Frank Lampard is there to head home a fairly difficult chance that he was kind of moving backwards for. It’s a PES 2 goal if ever I’ve seen one.
Simple as anything. 2nd half now. Thierry Henry tees up a volley from 20 yards, but it’s straight at David James. England look like they’re defending a counterattack (lads, you’re winning, what are you doing), Henry cuts in on his right foot but again it’s straight at the keeper. Beckham shoots from about 30 yards but it goes over. Henry blasts over from 20 yards on his left foot.
Now then. Beckham lumps it clear from inside the England box. We’re treated to an extended shot of Bixente Lizarazu jogging up the pitch whilst Martin Tyler informs us that Rooney chases and wins the ball. We finally cut back to the match and Rooney is galloping forward, Vassell’s right there with him and it’s a 2 on 1.
It’s such an easy square ball to Vassell to wrap up the game, but he goes it alone, just getting into the box when he is absolutely clobbered by Mikael Silvestre. It looks for all the world like a penalty and a red card, but it’s only a yellow. Unlike Rotterdam 11 years ago though, a penalty is given. Urrggh, look at this. Just fucking square it!
Martin Tyler informs us that Beckham missed his last England penalty. Up he steps:
Oh, Dave. Undeterred, England still push for a 2nd. Vassell hits a bobbling shot from 25 yards that somehow catches Barthez by surprise and smashes him in the face. It looks like a blatant backpass is about to happen but the camera conveniently cuts away. CONSPIRACY. Hargreaves replaces Scholes to shore up the England midfield to help them see out the game.
Some sterling defensive work from Emile Heskey sees him boot Makelele in the chest to give away a free kick in a very dangerous area. David James lines up the wall, then stands directly behind it to give himself the least possible chance of reacting to the shot:
Go on, here it comes:
I mean, the ball goes in the net in the exact spot where David James is supposed to be fucking standing. It’s just fucking terible goalkeeping. I did enjoy him absolutely lampooning the ball at Gallas after it’s bounced out of the net, mind. There’s a shot of Beckham doing exaggerated breathing exercises, telling everyone they need to calm down.
Good advice, too – there’s not long left, a draw is a still good result, don’t do anything stupid, right Steve? Steve? STEEEEEEVE!
Jesus Christ almighty, what the fuck is he playing at! Under no pressure, the 30 yard lofted backpass to certain death. David James duly obliges with a horrendous looking tackle to give away the penalty. Could he not have challenged with his hands because it was a backpass? Not that it’d probably have made any difference anyway, for fuck’s sake.
“It’s heartbreak for England,” says Martin Tyler. Sure was. Like Shilton at Italia ’90, you knew James wasn’t getting anywhere near that. I remember being pretty distraught after this. Luckily I was staying with my uncle and I don’t really remember what else happened that evening so I presume sorrows were drowned and the world was put to rights.
England had the lead and had a golden chance to make it 2-0, but Beckham couldn’t make it count and it all fell apart terribly with Gerrard’s insane backpass of destiny. Let’s hope for better tomorrow.
Today’s feeling: at least David James isn’t in goal for the next game.
Bonus Gallery:
