Certain footballers and certain others in football have certain eccentricites. Small character traits which to them, may seem harmless or endearing, but to the rest of the world are infuriating, laughable, or some combination of the two. And so, purely in the interests of scientific comparison, 30 Yard Sniper has analysed some of their personalities, and found out who they would be if they were a cartoon character.

• Joey Barton – Scrappy Doo. “Let me at ’em, let me at ’em!” was the famous catchphrase of the former Newcastle midfielder. Universally hated by everyone except those on their own team. Although I doubt Barton is too pally with Ousmane Dabo.
• Nicklas Bendtner – Brain. Sunderland’s on-loan forward is in no doubt of his abilities. “I’m one of the best strikers in the world,” he once said. But, like Brain, his attempts to take over the world will always be unsuccessful because he’s a lot more rubbish than he believes himself to be.
• Jermaine Jenas – Casper the friendly ghost. You can see him, you can hear him, but he’s just not actually there. The phantom of the midfield.
• Ken Bates – Stavros Garkos. Apart from teaching us that 12 year-old girls can’t play professional football with men (but that they make great owners of clubs), and that a team of robots can be overcome if your hard-nosed Scottish manager reads poetry at half-time, The Hurricanes introduced children everywhere to the concept of the über-villain chairman.  “Uncle” Ken Bates’ plans to install electric fences to deter hooligans at Stamford Bridge were rejected by the Greater London Council in 1985.
• Arsene Wenger – Master Splinter. Arsenal’s defensive problems have been well documented so far this season, though I’m sure having a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle alongside Per Mertesacker would be better than Laurent Koscielny. Teaching his young mutant brethren from the sewers and living solely off a diet of take-away pizza, it’s little wonder Wenger’s Arsenal have such a terrible injury record.
• Winston Bogarde – Carmen Sandiego. Signed on a free transfer from Barcelona in 2000, Bogarde collected a tidy £686,666 for each of his 12 appearnces in a 4-year stint at Chelsea, though all but one of those occurred in his first season. I’m not sure if they ever found Carmen Sandiego, but it’s possible she was hiding in Winston’s wardrobe. If you’re still looking, dudes, check there.
• Garry Cook – Captain Planet. He’s a hero. Gonna take, er, Financial Fair Play down to zero! (Lyrics written by Phil Collins, according to lyrics007.com. Never trust lyric websites). Combining Earth, Fire, Wind and Water, the only thing stopping our man having a blue face and green hair is a distinct lack of Heart, though he could buy their greatest hits here.
• Alan Shearer – Inanimate Carbon Rod. Rather than give Homer the employee of the month award on The Simpsons, Mr. Burns awards to it to an inanimate carbon rod. Shearer is the centrepiece of the horrific MOTD old boys club, the embodiment of the BBC not only appealing to the lowest common denominator, but giving it a plum job on their flagship football highlights programme.