Eeeeeveryone remembers the Koeman foul, followed by the no penalty, the yellow card, and then Koeman scoring the bloody free kick at the other end. Everything else though? Not a scooby. For me anyway. Let’s go back to October 1993…

The experience of Paul Parker is preferred to Rob Jones, who’d won a quarter of his eventual 8 caps by this point. Stuart Pearce is injured so Tony Dorigo replaces him. Paul Merson plays as a striker instead of Ian Wright. Ok then. I think it’s fair to say this team is a little…unbalanced.

Shit the bed, lads. We’re fucked!

Dorigo’s receding, curly mullet is an absolute joy, and I’d probably have picked him all the time just for that reason. 6 minutes gone, and as Overmars glides to the byline, Brian Moore informs us that “Overmars goes past him again.” 6 minutes in! Lee Sharpe, can you track the fuck back please? The cut back finds Bryan Roy, who touches deftly back to Bergkamp, but he blazes it over. Warning signs.

Some pretty slapdash build up in midfield, with 2 obvious handballs missed by the ref, leads to Merson playing in Platt down the right. It’s a tight angle but he hits it well and De Goey turns it behind for a corner.

Merson turns De Wolf brilliantly down the left, leaving his glorious mullet swishing in the breeze. He cuts inside and shoots just wide. Should have laid it off to Shearer who had made a run into the box.

Ince makes a surging run forward, playing a 1-2 with Alan Shearer and is subsequently clobbered by Ronald Koeman. He’s pretty fucking late, he’s jumping off the ground and knees Ince in the back, but it’s not a yellow card apparently. Still, free kick in a good position.

Here comes Tony Dorigo. SHIT! Hits the post. Slight deflection off Tony Adams, but so close! You can hear Ron Atkinson start to shout “YEAA-” but he cuts himself off when it doesn’t go in.

Dorigo hits a massive up and under into the box. Merson flicks it on to Platt, who finds Tony Adams in space in the box. His first touch isn’t brilliant, but he hits a beautiful deft chip over the onrushing De Goey, only to see his shot cleared off the line. ARGH! Great effort from Big Tone. England have been in the ascendancy since that Bergkamp chance.

Roy is giving Parker a torrid time down Holland’s left flank. He twists and turns and eventually puts in a cross to Bergkamp, who again blazes over from 15 yards, though this was a much more difficult chance than the first one.

The ball’s played in from Holland’s left flank, Rijkaard steals in and tucks it away. But no! Offside flag is up. Let’s do some 29 years late VAR…

Jeeeeesus. Just the 4 yards onside? Fucking hell! “He wasn’t offisde,” says Ron Atkinson. As Rijkaard jogs back, you briefly see Tony Adams applauding the linesman for getting it “right”.

Half time: Netherlands 0-0 England. Looked like a mismatch on paper, but England have had their chances.

Platt gives it away just inside the Dutch half with a terribly undercooked pass, and suddenly it’s 4 on 4. Bergkamp strides forward with it, but hits a rather tame shot at Seaman, who probably should have held it but puts it behind for a corner.

Ok, here we go. Expectedly direct stuff from this England. Adams intercepts it, plays a ball forward to Shearer, who flicks it wide right for Sinton, who just lumps it high and forward. The Dutch line is so high, and De Goey wants nothing to do with it, so it just hangs in the air for ages. Koeman can’t run, he’s the last man and Platt gets there first…

“That’s got to be a penalty! Penalty given!” says Brian Moore. Yes! Get in.

And here’s the ref running into the box to give the penalty. His decision is final, remember.

Bollocks! Overturned by the linesman. Well, fair enough, I think it was just outside the box. But don’t worry, Shearer’s there to helpfully remind the ref what colour card he needs, just in case he’s forgotten. It’s red, ref, red is the colour.

Oh, fuck off. FUCK OFF. Fuck off you absolute fuck. “He’s through, with a clear goalscoring opportunity. Red card! He’s given a yellow.” Even the unflappably balanced and neutral Brian Moore can’t hide his absolute disdain for this fucking shit shower of a referee, who has fucking bottled it.

You’re right Didier, you’re absolutely right.

Dick Advocaat. Dick Bomboclaat more like. Dorigo’s subsequent free kick is charged down from about 3 yards away by an encroaching Dutch player, but obviously, no-one cares. Least of all the ref. Moore calms down quickly and remembers Rijkaard’s offside goal from the first half that should have stood. Yes, well, shut up Brian.

Having received tacit permission from the ref that they can now do whatever the fuck they want, Erwin Koeman actually tries to kill Paul Parker with this “challenge”, which is beyond late and actually, truly fucking horrendous.

“Knees? Where we’re going, you won’t need KNEES!”

Some nice build up play sees Wouters breaking between the centre backs. Pallister slides in and brings him down right on the edge of the box. Adams was there covering and it’s a stupid challenge.

The Dutch fans having the gall to ask for a red card after the Koeman travesty, I don’t know. And yeah, who hasn’t been to a football match in full blackface. What the fuck?

Koeman’s taking the free kick, because of course he fucking is.

And it’s blocked by Ince! Haaa! Fuck you, shithead.

Ah, what’s this now? Ince is booked for encroaching. Well, at least he’s consistent. What’s that?

Oh, just the Dutch player doing exactly the same thing THREE FUCKING MINUTES earlier, for which nothing was given, NOTHING? Bra-fucking-vo you absolute fucking cretin, ref.

“He’s gonna flick one. He’s gonna flick one! HE’S GONNA FLICK ONE!”

Well fucking bollocks and bullshit and bollocks and fuck you, ref. Fuck. After saying, “And it’s in!”, Moore is silent for what feels like an eternity, letting the England fans stew and curse in whichever freestyle manner they choose, because what can you fucking say about it? Other than fuck. FUCK. FUUUUUUCK.

And just moments later, we’ve got a free kick about 30 yards out. I think Dorigo’s had enough goes, so it’s Merson’s turn.

Hits the fucking post again! ARRRRRGH. Twice now. For fuck’s sake! Brilliant free kick. So close.

Some excellent build up play from the Dutch in the final third, lovely one touch stuff, and it comes to Bergkamp, who looks to place what would become one of his trademark curlers in the bottom corner. Seaman saves superbly, and then is up in a flash to make another fantastic stop from Rijkaard. Brilliant double save.

Ian Wright is ready to come on. Meanwhile, Dorigo has another long range pop, this time fizzing it just wide.

Well would you believe it. After all their brilliant technical build up play that amounted to nothing, the Dutch 2nd goal is the most route one, Graham Taylor would be proud of it goal of the entire qualifying campaign. Fitting in a way, England must have practiced this in training a million times, goal kick, flick on, striker shoots, boom. I don’t think it’s Bergkamp’s best finish, and just one minute after his sterling efforts, Seaman will be royally fucked off that he couldn’t stop this one, creeping in low to his left hand side. On the replay, you can see he’s totally wrong footed, expecting Bergkamp to go for the far corner. Goddamn.

Rijkaard has a chance to put a Miscarriage of Justice cherry on our Absolute Travesty cake, but slides it just wide.

Full time: Netherlands 2-0 England. Fucking hell. I’m seething and it’s ancient history. Graham Taylor is dead and I bet he’s STILL fuming about this.

Rest in peace, mate.

On balance, the Netherlands were a much better footballing side than Taylor’s England, and I doubt the neutrals would have been glad to see us at USA ’94 instead of the Dutch. But fucking hell, this ref. One of the all-time shittest reffing performances, surely. Fucking fuck.

Today’s feeling: Out in the groups, thanks to some terrible refereeing.

Sample this disaster of a refereeing performance here: